I want to be honest, it is a very lonely place doing what I do. its lonely because I forget who I am serving, its lonely because I look at things from people at home and I am not there anymore., It is lonely and the reason why I feel this way its the time of the year. Thanksgiving is coming and Christmas soon after that. I feel this way because for three years I haven't been able to be with my own family, in my own bed with my OWN.....
It seems to be a running theme with me lately. I wonder what shall I do? I can walk around with the woe is me attitude or I can make a choice. I need to make a choice to trust Him even through I have no clue of why or what is going on.....
I went to a conference retreat thing with Pais last week and I was reminded of a word called Kavanah it means the Gods presence and purpose in actions that we have. Its Hebraic, the jewish people strive to allow God in every action, task, choice we make..... I don't know what happened but it stroke a cord with me. Have I been living a life of no kavanah? the answer was not a pretty one.
My question is have you been living a life with out thinking of God's presence and purpose?
I think many of us Christ followers live a life that seems pleasing to Him but once again we use our perspective..God is asking me you seek my thoughts, my wisdoms, my knowledge not your own and you will live a true life..
What Do I do? well I keep on trying, I keep on seek Him and along the way I will trip and fail but I should still keep on going, because to not try is to not live a life that my Fahter God died for..
Two months notice, two weeks planing, prepping many rewrites and silly drafts and today its here already....
I refuse to be nervous or get jumbled, I want to do this well. I keep on asking God to help me and I feel quite safe up on stage but in the back of my mind is I want this to be perfect. It my share stubbornness and totally God's grace that is pushing my anxiety down and away from me.
This was my first official day that I preached/taught today, my topic the Romans road week 9 on Romans 12.
The verse's I to camp on were simple:
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will."
After so many thoughts it was simple, I was not in control. I tried but it was ultimately Gods project not my own.
No one tells you that God words are delicate or that using them to teach a person can be so overwhelming. I thought it was simple people would base the sermon on a topic or on a series, maybe unpack a Bible chapter but I never thought that it would be a delicate line of words from page to mind, to heart to page and then spoken.
....I shared my testimony about how God renewed my mind, how he transformed me and instead of trying to fit into the world's small agenda, I was part of God's ultimate Plan. I had all these great words, analogies but that wasn't what was used. No it was God's powerful delicate line of words that came forth and i hope pierce the heart of this young flock of lambs. Not me and my pretty empty words or my life story, No, nope it was How God changed me, remolded me, renewed me that did. It was the fact that this word of God that we often down play and cut up into baby pieces for our young people, this word that we forget is so simple, complex, delicate, hard and strong but active that is what did it, tonight. I am in awe that my God, our God can do that, to me while am teaching others about His words, he was teaching me once again....
I didn't feel overjoyed, I didn't feel sad I felt, just so still and in that I place, it was just fine. I can't tell you if I enjoyed it or if I was an amazing speak but am glad I did it, I am glad my students were able to unpack and discuss the word together and I am glad I took the challenge even through at times I was afraid.
A delicate line for words is just as strong and powerful then anything, we ever knew and although I taught tonight, I learnt something that Gods word is more then ink on paper, its more then my past experience with His words, its current, ever present ready to reveal more of His kinds, character essence and nature. What's truly amazing is its even more so the second time you rediscover it.
