Scared To Be Broken

I had devotional with my team like I usually do every morning, I had felt quite ill the night before and to be honest I don't think I tried hard enough thorough the sneezing and coughing to study Mark 8 the way I usually do.  To be clear I was frustrated, I had used my usually source but nothing. Through it all I was asking God to help me.  Well we had an amazing discussion about Mark 8 but through this I discovered a verse God had point out to me a few months back. 


This totally spoke to me through the group study 


'Do not be afraid little flock, for your father has been pleased to give you the kingdom' 
We spoke about brokenness and it was hard to hear, because one of my team member asked me, why are you scared to be broken and I said it, clear but still not believing it from my month to be broken is to be uncontrolled and unaware of the out come, I am scared I told her...


you see while we were studying Mark 8 it speaks about yeast, that is a fungi that infects and multiplies but the thing is can come within us in disguise like strength and through our worship today I broke down before the Lord. 


My friend sung a song she had written which was so true to my heart : "I have been saying for a while more of me God less or you' 
I didn't want to worship 
"I have been saying more of me less of you God"
 I started crying, 
"More of me God less of you" I BROKE, 
I am sorry, lord I am sorry I stood there not know what to do 
I cried and cried and when I thought there was nothing left, I cried more.....more because my heart was cold and hard and cried for thinking like I knew best and cried just because I was undone by Him and His goodness and persistent love. 


I don't have the answer but I know God wants us broken before Him, broken from all the things we have placed upon ourselves and so much more...... even through our rebillion, hardness God say this to us and lead us no matter what:


Hosea 11:4 I led them with cords of human kindness and I tied them with love, I lifted the yoke from there neck and bent down to feed them 


I don't know what happened or how it did. maybe it unconfessed sin, divided heart or just classic fear but it happened.  The idea that brokenness equities itself with weakness, crept into my heart at very young age and has come and gone for quite sometime. Its made itself at home in my heart, it happens when I don't listen or when I doubt what God has claimed to be true or when I fear that I may make a fool of myself.  That just to name a few. I am  being honest its hard being who we are not because God makes it hard but we make it hard for ourselves, to obey and submit our lives to him in every moment we have.....


 I will always have to learn that Brokenness does not lend itself to weakness but a unique and promising strength that comes from the father that has created us. This incredible strength contradicts, breaks and extinguish all kinds of man made wisdom and logic.  It is a beauty that many do not chase after but one that is bestowed upon the person,  it at its best is God beauty and glory refined in a unworthy vessel.

Psalm 51: 17 the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; 
       a broken and contrite heart.....
      .
I am not scared of brokenness now , I hope that I look for weakness in me, I hope where I need to be broken will be broken by our Father , I am so glad for this promise in 2  that reminds me :


But He said to me "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 


I know that this is not over but I hope that the next time I fear to break, I will be overcome by His glory and strength.